Asked the age of his two elderly pinch-hitters – Vic Davalillo and Manny Mota – Los Angeles manager Tommy Lasorda shrugged.
“I don’t know but somebody told me they were waiters at the last supper.”
Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes’ Category
Two elderly pinch-hitters – Baseball jokes
Thursday, October 8th, 2009
No Hitter – Baseball jokes
Thursday, October 8th, 2009On July 15, 1973, the Angels’ Nolan Ryan pitches his second career no-hitter (and his second of the season), a 6-0 shutout versus the Tigers in Detroit, with a major league record seventeen strikeouts in a no-hitter.
The “Ryan Express” was so on that day, Norm Cash came to the plate with two
outs in the ninth inning and resorts to using a piano leg to get a hit. Home plate
umpire Ron Luciano, nearly falling down laughing at this ruse, makes him use
a real bat. Cash flied out to left-field, ending the game.
Will and Guy’s Joke of the Day #11
Thursday, October 8th, 2009True Story about Flash the Entrepreneur by Guy Thomas
Flash and I went to the same school. We were not close friends, but our paths crossed from time to time. This is the story of how Flash came by his epithet.
In 1966, you could by about 12 packets of flash washing powder for a UK pound. To give the story perspective you could also get 40 mars bars for one UK pound. As a marketing gimmick, flash offered four UK pounds if your birthday happened to match a date, which they printed on each packet. Each packet had a different date printed inside the lid. As I remember, you had to send in your birth certificate by way of proof.
To digress, the first lesson of this story is that no one suddenly becomes an entrepreneur, you have to serve your apprenticeship. Flash had just taken money from us by betting that two boys in any class of thirty would have the same birthday. We could choose any class in the school. Many of us lost money, then we foolishly doubled our losses by betting on another class. Flash, even as a fifteen year old, knew what we didn’t; the break-even point for this bet is 24 people, over that number the odds are more and more in favour of two birthdays on the same date.
Anyway, armed with his winnings Flash hatched his famous plan. He bought 12 packets of flash washing powder, ripped off the labels and carefully noted the birthdays. He then went around the school of 350 boys asking each their birthday and if any matched, he sold them a flash label with their birthday for 50p down and another 50p when they got the four pounds. He soon sold eight birthday labels for 4 pounds, so making a profit of three pounds.
His next move was smart, he bought up the entire stock of flash from the only store in town. This tactic prevented copycats from easily getting their hands on the stock. Legend has it that flash said to the shocked grocer, “rip me off the labels and give the powder to needy pensioners”.
After a fortnight flash had made over one hundred pounds. His exploits even featured on the local news. Moreover, the first boys started receiving their four pounds and thus he was receiving a second 50p not to mention a flood of new orders.
Then disaster nearly struck. Flash the powder manufacturer, wrote to the boys saying that unfortunately they had exhausted their local quota of payouts. However, by way of consolation, they offered kitchen knife. I say disaster nearly struck, because the first boy to receive such a letter was Fred, captain of the school rugby team. Fred was not impressed with the kitchen knife, a fact he told to Flash in no uncertain terms, when he cornered him in the changing room.
Flash was the antithesis of a sportsman, and avoided physical exertion at all costs, but he was quick witted, and not only did he give Fred a full refund, but he made Fred an offer to act as his protector. Fred listened carefully and after folding money changed hands, agreed to protect Flash from the rest of the disgruntled boys.
Footnote The above story, I can vouch for as I was there. I did not realise it at the time, but fortunately my birthday did not come.
You just know that a boy like Flash is not going to become a model member of the community. Unfortunately, I lost touch with Flash shortly after this escapade. Persistent rumours and stories about Flash’s life in the army and an escapade with an Australian free fall team, have filtered down over the years, but sadly none are publishable.
- copyright Will and Guy’s Joke
Zen Sarcasm, Part 2…
Tuesday, October 6th, 200912. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
the shortest word
Monday, October 5th, 2009
*just to cheer you **up**!*
*Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example
of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the
nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that’s probably
true of many languages.) *
*
There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than
any other two-letter word,* *and that word is ‘UP.’ *
*It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep],
[adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning,** why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP** for election** **and why is it UP to the secretary to write* *
UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use ! it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. *
*At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP** excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP** is special.*
*And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP** because it is stopped UP.**
We open **UP** a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to
be pretty mixed UPabout UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP** in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes ** **UP** almost 1/4 of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP** to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
used. It will take UP **a lot of your time,** **but if you don’t give** UP,
you may wind **UP** with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets** UP the earth. When it
does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap it **UP** , for now ……..my time is
UP , so time to shut UP!
Oh…one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?