Archive for the ‘Naughty Jokes’ Category

Who’s Your Daddy? – Naughty jokes

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!”
Her face was beaming. He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you,I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!” However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble one of her former lovers.Then again he got a little panicky.

“I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son’s second grade teacher.

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Whaaat? – Naughty jokes

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

It’s the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?”

He says “That’s cool.”

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “we know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw, why she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT ! THE TWIST !!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!

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Norse Gods Orgy – Naughty jokes

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted . It had gone on for several days.

Finally, all were completely sated.

The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist.

He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased.

He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated.

Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns.

She was beautiful. It had been her first and she had had a really great time.

Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not?

“Hello!”, he bellowed. “I’m Thor!”

“You’re thor?”, she said. “Why, I’m tho thor, I can hardly pith!”

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Santa Pills (Dirty) – Naughty jokes

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all interest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex . He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they’d have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.One day she thought “Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the at once…” So, completely forgetting Santa’s warning she slipped all the remaining in her husband’s dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked hom his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said “So you’re the one who sent the … well, Mommy’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and ’s up in the attic going `here kitty kitty”

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Free Sex Contestants (Dirty) – Naughty jokes

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.

“How do we enter?” asked the first man.

“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”

“O.K. I guess 7, ” said the first man.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.”

“2″ said the second man

“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,”You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way,” said the second man. “My wife won twice last week.”

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