Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack’s last will and testament:
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. “Sidney, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”
“I can’t do that, darling,” Sidney said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”
A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, “My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!”
A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, “I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you.”
“Importance? Indeed it was,” wept the man. “It’s my wife’s first husband!”
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You yust put ‘Ole died’.”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.’ ”