I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Joe arrived early to the train switching yard where trains are routed and set on different tracks. Tom, the Train Switching Manager starts the interview and asks: What would you do if two trains are on the same track coming towards each other? Joe answers: I’ll go over and pull the switching lever and get one train on another track so they can pass safely. Ok, Tom says, What would you do if the switch handle is broken off? Joe: Well I would get the piece of steel over there by the shed and jamb it in the switch and use that as the lever. Ok good! Tom. What would you do if the switch lever is broken? Well, I would pick up the phone and call the main office and get them to switch it from there! Ok, very good! Tom: What would you do if no one answers the phone? Well, then I would call my cousin Vinny at the fire department and tell him to get down here right away. Tom: What good would that be? Well, he’s never seen two trains collide
There were three friends who enjoyed rapid shooting on some of the largest rivers in the world but had yet to go on their dream vacation to shoot rapids on the almighty Colorado River. After much planning, they finally arranged to go together on a 7-day excursion staying at a remote log cabin. As the morning sun rose, they planned their day to shoot rapids. Off they went down the river weaving around the wide bends and shooting mighty rapids. Up ahead there were large three foot rapids which would surely challenge their abilities. Confidently they pressed on. Got tossed and turned around, with all three falling off the raft into the almighty Colorado River. In a bit of panic, they all managed to get back safely on shore with their lives. All were drenched and soaking wet except for one guy’s hair. Why was that? Because he was bald!!
One day, as a dog was walking by a store, he noticed a sign which said, “Now Hiring: must be able to type 70 words per minute, and must be bilingual. Equal opportunity employment.” The dog took the sign in his mouth and brought it into the manager’s office. He set it down on the desk. When the manager realized that the dog was applying for the job, he laughed and said, “I’m not going to hire a dog!” The dog put his paw on the part of the sign that read “equal opportunity employer.” “Well,” said the manager, “let’s see you type 70 words per minute!” He handed the dog a document and watched as the dog perfectly duplicated the document, and well over 70 words per minute. The man looked at the dog. He couldn’t believe it. “Don’t tell me you’re bilingual too.” The dog opened his mouth and said, “Meow.”
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu’s ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary’s turn to “survey” the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU’S EAR!