Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: “This is the Gate of Heaven.”
Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: “Use Other Entrance.”
Archive for the ‘Christian Jokes’ Category
Inscribed in stone over doors of an old church …
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
How To Get To Heaven
Thursday, July 30th, 2009If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked them again.
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
Mice In The Church
Thursday, July 30th, 2009Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.
The first Pastor said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.”
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”
Good News And Bad News For A Pastor
Thursday, July 30th, 2009Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
God the Parent
Thursday, July 30th, 2009Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam asked.
“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit.” God replied.
“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?
Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Where?”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.